I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
