What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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