I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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