omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
