My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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