a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
