dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
