When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
