dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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