you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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