i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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