I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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