When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
