your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
