I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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