all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
