I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
