2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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