the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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