Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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