She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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