her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
