I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
