When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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