As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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