I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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