everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
