I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
