i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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