There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
