Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
