just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
