I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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