So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
