I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
In America we eat man semen.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
