i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
