If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
