I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
