these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
