did you get engaged???
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
