dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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