No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
