He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You know, be my cock's hype man.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
