I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This baby is an asshole
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
