idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
