I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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