He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
