Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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