so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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