Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
