I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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