i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
