he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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